It’s irony, but with an ‘a’ and hyphenated ‘y’ so it spells ‘Iran.’  Cue the snare drum, baby, it’s time to talk about the newest member of the United Nation’s Commission on the Status of Women.  I wanted to link to a respected and popular for-women-by-women website for their certain outrage.  For sure, feminists the world over would be furious with the decision to put a country who still allows the stoning of women for suspicion of adultery.  Not on wowowow.   The Huffington Post?  Nope.  I know, the National Organization for Women are always mad about something.   Somehow, the girls at NOW missed this story about our newest example of how to treat a lady.  AOL News did, however, happen to notice that Iran, the United Nation’s newest member of its Commission on the Status of Women, has made it illegal for women to have, wait for it….suntans.

Just days after an Iranian cleric declared that scantily clad women were to blame for an increase in earthquakes around the world, Tehran police chief Brigadier Hossein Sajedinia promised to move “firmly and swiftly” to round up and arrest women with that sun-kissed glow.

“The public expects us to act firmly and swiftly if we see any social misbehavior by women, and men, who defy our Islamic values,” he said Tuesday. “We are not going to tolerate this situation and will first warn those found in this manner and then arrest and imprison them.”

I’m assuming that by ‘warning’ they mean stone to death.  Why waste time on a trial when she’s clearly got that ‘sun-kissed glow?’  The real irony of this, of course, is that Iran was admitted to the United Nation’s Commission on the Status of Women after they announced the criminalization of the sun.

This goes beyond pandering, which is about all the UN does.  That and steal money, lots and lots of money.  I’ll come back to the sheer irresponsibility of Iran’s appointment in a minute, but I thought this’d be a good place to check in on Haiti.  Remember Haiti?  There was an earthquake, people died, $732 million dollars went to rebuild, even Sean Penn flew in and saved a person showed a woman

Pictured: Sean Penn, Not Pictured: Actual Haitians

where he was staying.  Wait, that third one isn’t right at all:

Some $495.8 million goes for salaries, benefits, hazard pay, mandatory R&R allowances and upkeep for the peacekeepers and their international staff support. Only about $33.9 million, or 4.6 percent, of that salary total is going to what the U.N. calls “national staff” attached to the peacekeeping effort…the budget also includes at least part of some $10 million that the U.N. has spent on renting two passenger vessels, the Sea Voyager (known to some U.N. staffers as the “Love Boat“) and the Ola Esmeralda, for a minimum of 90 days each, as highly subsidized housing for some of its peacekeepers and humanitarian staff. The tab for the two vessels, which offer catered food, linen service and comfortable staterooms and lounges, is about $112,500 per day.

Well, at leas the United States isn’t on the hook for any of that, right?  Right?

Under a cost-sharing formula, the U.S. pays a 27 percent share of the entire $732.4 million peacekeeping tab for Haiti during this 12 month period, or about $197.7 million.

I think I know where congress can save almost $200 million in next year’s budget.

So how did Iran, the land where women cause earthquakes, find itself in such an enviable position despite not having a single heroine or role model for young women to look up to in their entire history?

A simple misunderstanding with equally-sympathetic-to-women’s-rights Pakistan.  It turns out that Iran’s failed bid to join the more prominent Human Rights Council had absolutely nothing to do with groups like International Human Rights Watch loudly and successfully lobbying the world body with facts and common sense.  The reality that there are still enough rational nations left that didn’t take the bid seriously and Iran couldn’t get the required votes by existing committee members had nothing to do with it, you see.

A group called The International Campaign for Human Rights in Iran doesn’t seem to get it, though:

In a letter signed by hundreds of supporters, the organization said “women lack the ability to choose their husbands, have no independent right to education after marriage, no right to divorce, no right to child custody, have no protection from violent treatment in public spaces, are restricted by quotas for women’s admission at universities, and are arrested, beaten, and imprisoned for peacefully seeking change of such laws.”

I just thought of an admirable female figure in Iranian history…Neda.

The Tortoise and the Hare, one of Aesop's more famous fables

The Caterpillar and the Ants

A caterpillar and a colony of ants shared an agreement where the larger, stronger caterpillar would protect the colony from predators and, in exchange, the colony would not expand past it’s natural boundaries.  One day, the caterpillar overheard some spiders complaining about the size of the ant colony.  Concerned the spiders may be a threat to the ants, he approached the group.  “And what would a foolish caterpillar know about ants,” a spider shouted at the caterpillar.  “Those ants tricked you and laugh at you.  It is we, the spiders, who protect everything from the ants.”  The spiders taunted and mocked the caterpillar as he stormed off to confront the colony.  The caterpillar told the ants what the spiders had said before climbing his tree, leaving the ants to defend themselves.  Seeing the caterpillar safely away from his friends the ants, the spiders began to attack the colony.  From high up in his tree, the caterpillar watched helplessly as the spiders and ants fought and fought, destroying everything below, even the roots of the tree.

The moral: Advice is only as good as the person who gives it.

It is one thing to change the wording of a non-binding, near-pointless unilateral statement of our intentions to use, or not use, nuclear weapons.  To promise that the United States will not respond to a chemical or biological attack by a country in compliance with the Nuclear Proliferation Treaty is pretty much meaningless.  No one sincerely believes a nation like Germany, France, Japan, or even an Egypt or Pakistan would ever attack the United States in such a way.  Furthermore, to believe President Obama would not respond with the kitchen sink to such an attack is juvenile.  What he has said about his role as Commander-in-Chief is not nearly what he has practiced thus far.  I give you the following examples: the so-called torture memos are still in place, the Patriot Act was quietly re-authorized, the CIA still wiretaps, drone strikes in Pakistan have increased, Guantanamo Bay is still open, and Khalid Shiekh Mohammed is set to be tried by a military tribunal after all.  Like icing on a cake, Dawn Johnsen withdrew her nomination to lead the Justice Department’s legal counsel.  She had been a very vocal voice for the prosecution of Bush-era CIA interrogators.  I respect that the president is trying to leadby example, and it is worth noting that the majority of weapons he has ordered decommissioned are old and outdated anyway.  When the president narrows the parameters for a nuclear retaliation, he’s really giving rogue states like Iran and North Korea the old Clark Griswold Merry Christmas.

For all the cries of premature surrender from the right, like Charles Krauthammer, one guy sees through the fancy posturing:

“American materialist politicians, whenever they are beaten by logic, immediately resort to their weapons like cowboys,” Ahmadinejad said in a speech before a crowd of several thousand in northwestern Iran.

“Mr. Obama, you are a newcomer (to politics). Wait until your sweat dries and get some experience. Be careful not to read just any paper put in front of you or repeat any statement recommended,” Ahmadinejad said in the speech, aired live on state TV.

Even the Iranian president can't resist the Subway jingle

Ahmadinejad said Obama “is under the pressure of capitalists and the Zionists” and vowed Iran would not be pushed around. “(American officials) bigger than you, more bullying than you, couldn’t do a damn thing, let alone you,” he said, addressing Obama.

Of all the things that are wrong with this statement, let me start with the Zionist crack.  In case anyone still believes Obama and Israeli Prime Minister Netanyahu are on speaking terms, Israel has officially bailed out of the president’s major nuclear nonproliferation conference next week.  They bailed amid fears that the conference would be little more than a Turkish-led bashing of Israel’s unwillingness to sign the existing Nuclear Proliferation Treaty, which is to say Israel will not officially admit they possess nuclear weapons nor will they commit to not using them proactively.  At least last month’s sit down at the White House went well.  Didn’t it?

Well, I’m sure the Times Online meant ‘humiliated’ in the best possible light.

Just to recap the last thirty days, the United State’s president, vice president, and secretary of state all condemned Israel’s plans to build settlements in East Jerusalem, President Obama refused to hold a joint press conference or even have dinner with Benyamin Netanyahu, and he set up an international conference which quickly deteriorated into a multinational effort to disarm Israel.

Secondly, President Obama, like previous presidents, has gone to extraordinary measures to avoid the use of weapons with Iran.  For the last decade Iran has seen sanction after sanction.  Last summer, when the nation’s youth took to the streets to dispute Ahmadinejad’s re-election, Obama defended the outcome of the election when he could easily have backed the revolt as Ronald Reagan did in Poland, which directly led to Berlin Wall coming down and the fall of the Soviet Union.

He does have me on the cowboy line, though:

The man knows how to wear a Stetson

So they made it official Tuesday, complete with walk of shame…er victory lap through the crowd…er unruly mob.

Well, what’s done is done.  For ever and ever according to this little known provision in the two thousand plus page bill.  It’s called the “Empowering States to be Innovative” clause and it may wipe out any challenges states could make about unconstitutionality.  What this two page clause does is allow states the opportunity to opt out of the federal mandates if they can better meet the health care needs of their citizens.  That’d be an interesting trick.  The catch-22 on this is that anyone in a state which opts out still has to pay their federal income tax which will be adjusted to include this new legislation.  In other words, you’ll be paying for health care twice.  Good luck getting that passed through local elections.  But there’ll be plenty of time to go into all of that in the coming months.  Hooray.

The last few days I’ve been hearing about how liars, sorry, members of the Congressional Black Caucus claim to have had racial slurs shouted out them while walking through a crowd of protesters on their way to vote for a wildly unpopular health care bill.  These race baiting liars, again I apologize, members of the Congressional Black Caucus were fortunate enough to have videotaped their entire walk so we can track down and publicly shame whoever was responsible.  Yep, any minute now Jesse Jackson, Jr and his accomplices, sorry, fellow congressmen and women will release their videos thereby proving the incident actually happened.

I know, I know.  CNN, CBS, NBC, the New York Times, MSNBC, the Huffington Post and just about every other major media outlet doesn’t need to see or hear proof.  These wise journalists don’t even feel a need to ask a simple, obvious follow up question about the caucus’ motives for walking through the crowd in the first place.  Or why they had cameras in the front and back of the line recording the slow march.   But I’m a skeptic.  And so is Andrew Breitbart, to the tune of ten grand actually.

The only thing worse than shouting racial slurs at someone is lying about it.  When someone lies about something as serious as bigotry it makes it harder to believe people who actually are victims of these attacks.  If only there were some recent, similar incident I could use to illustrate this involving a lie about something even more serious like rape where an innocent guy went to jail.  Man, that would really drive my point home about the importance of honesty as opposed to say, crying foul.  Seriously, who wants to play pick up basketball with a person who’s going to call a foul every time someone gets near them?

C’mon, you already knew about this story from last month, right?

This chick is pure evil.

In the case of politics, though, crying racism is too often used as a tactic to silence opponents or end debate.  The goal is to get the person disagreeing with you to abandon any argument about the topic at hand and respond to the baseless claims of racism.  This also works with sexism.  And blaming Bush.  Or Clinton.  And so on and so on right up to Godwin’s Law.

The surest sign you’ve won an argument is when people stop rebutting your points and just begin attacking your motives and intentions.  See: implied racism.  Or “racial undertone.”

Unfortunately, when politicians waste everyone’s time trying to score political points or cover for the complete lack of respect for their appointed duties, real threats and attacks can occur.  When Nancy Pelosi cries during a press conference in September because of the tone in Washington, it makes her and everyone around her harder to believe when actual threats and violence happen.  The worst part of the Congressional Black Caucus’ disgraceful cry of racism is that several senators and congressmen were actually threatened and harassed which should not stand.  Eric Cantor had a bullet fired into his Virginia office.  Or did he?  Nope, turns out it was a bullet fired randomly into the air from a few blocks away.  Was Emanuel Cleaver spit on as he claimed?  You can judge for yourself here.  Skip ahead to 1:20, and notice the difference between spitting at someone and having spit fly out of your mouth during a heated exchange.

We should all take a lesson from the people of Iraq.  For the first time, election results have led to a change in majority parties.  The secular candidate has won the right to form a coalition government by a whopping two seats in parliament.  A recount is underway, but it’s hold your breath time.  If the Sunnis and Shiites can transfer power peacefully, to a secular regime no less, without a complete breakdown then democracy has truly taken hold.  Expect a few roadside bombs and some gun fighting over the next month or so, sadly.  Insurgents and militants will throw the kitchen sink at the Iraqi people and their election process.    The Iraqi people and their leaders are the ones under the real threats, but instead of whining about it they’re going about the business of rebuilding and running a country.

Jay-Z in the ACTUAL Situation Room in the White House

Sean Carter is awesome.  I have nothing to follow this picture with, except to say that once again it is authentic.  I could vote for this man.  He came up from nothing to build a music empire and successful clothing line.  Jay-Z then became minority owner of a professional basketball team which he helped move to Brooklyn.  He married very well and also finds time to get involved with various charities.  In short, Sean Carter is a renaissance man.  But we’re onto the next one…

If you haven’t noticed, the news has been unbearable as what’s left of the American media breathlessly debates itself over health care.  I, for one, miss the days when the building blocks of drama, conflict and tension, were reserved for scripted television and not the evening news.  Politics and health care have a real Sam and Diane thing going on anymore.  Does Nancy Pelosi have the votes?  Is the cost of the bill going to exceed $1 trillion?  Does this have any affect on America’s most pressing concern: jobs?

The youtube clip linked above is even more apt than this.

The answer to the first question is an obvious one.  If Speaker Pelosi had the votes, they’d have already passed the bill.  The president wouldn’t postpone his long awaited trip to Asia three days if they were anywhere near the 216 votes required to pass the Senate’s bill under reconciliation is off the table by law.  Also, it can only be used once a year, so both houses need to know for sure that they have the votes because they only get one shot at this… especially since the Democrats trail by ten on the generic ballot.

Basically, reconciliation allows both houses to pass the exact same bill with simple majorities as opposed to the traditional two-thirds. It only applies to budget items, which is why the cost of the bill is so important. If the bill increases the deficit by even one cent, then it cannot be passed by law.

Of course, even reconciliation won’t get health care reform passed in its current form.  As I’ve said before, the plan violates the Tenth Amendment, and now Idaho has become the first state to pass legislation requiring their state’s attorney general to sue the federal government if the bill passes.  For the record, 36 other states have similar legislation and Virginia’s attorney general’s office released a statement promising legal action as well.  With any luck, this will signal the end of this well-intentioned, if special interest-laden, political nightmare.

And with that, we can safely turn our attention towards more significant business.  I continue to be astounded by the way this administration treats its most important ally in its most important region.  Once again, Vice President Biden, President Obama, and Secretary of State Hillary Clinton have condemned Israel for attempting to build settlements in East Jerusalem.  

This is the smoke, not the fire.

Hillary Clinton went to work on Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu for forty-three minutes on Tuesday.  Vice President Joe Biden scolded Israel for “undermining trust” between themselves and Palestine.  Even President Obama took time out from announcing 3000% reductions in employer costs for providing health insurance to denounce Israel’s intentions as “insulting.”

(3000% actually means insurers would pay businesses 300 times what they currently charge.)

Why would America’s top three leaders be so upset about apartments being built halfway across the country?  Sure, Obama doesn’t think Netanyahu’s ” very bright,” but it’s not like the president would be so rash as to attempt to unravel an already strained coalition in an allied nation, right?

The way politics in Israel works is the winning party has thirty days to build a majority coalition among the remaining parties who then run the country as a group.  Tivni Lipni’s moderate Kadima party, who the Obama administration has significantly more in common with, was left out of the current coalition at the last minute.  Ms. Livni attempted to walk away from the proposed coalition just before the deadline in order to force a new election where she may have won outright, allowing her party to build a coalition itself.  Instead, Netanyahu’s conservative Likud party succeeded without the aid of the second largest party in the country.  The result of which has been additional settlements in disputed areas and no movement on the endless river of peace talks between Israel and a group of people who want to kill them.  As Benjamin Netanyahu once said “If the Arabs would laid down their guns, there’d be peace in the Middle East.  If Israel would laid down its guns, there’d be no more Israel.”

Tivni Lipni, Obama's preferred (but not actual) Israeli Prime Minister

Ms. Livni has every opportunity to join the Likud party’s coalition last year, but she bet it all on a reelection and lost.  Now the Obama administration appears to be attacking what they perceive to be a weak leader in an effort to force him to bring in a moderate liberal this administration prefers.  The only problem is the Israeli people don’t bend to threats and intimidation, which is why they continue to build settlements in spite of the daily bombings and attacks on their people.  And President Obama is not exactly considered a friend in Jerusalem these days.

If only there was a regime somewhere worth changing where President Obama was popular enough to inspire enough people already desperate for a spark to rally behind.  Did someone say Iran?  I definitely thought I heard somebody say Iran.

Nothing to see here, just a few hundred thousand people ready to overthrow your most dangerous enemy, Mr. President.

It’s worth noting that this was never supposed to happen.  A mere ten minute joint press conference added at the the last minute.  All Hillary had to do was shake hands, smile for the cameras, and not trip on the steps.  Instead, she said this:

We would like to see Argentina and the United Kingdom sit down and resolve the issues between them across the table in a peaceful, productive way.
The Falkland Islands, Las Malvinas in Spanish, are located off the coast of Argentina.  They’ve been occupied by Great Britain (not the United Kingdom) since 1833.  In 1982, Argentina attempted to take control.  The settlers disapproved, the British came to the rescue, and two months later, Argentina retreated.  The Falklands have lived in peace ever since.  Recently, however, Argentina has begun to claim sovereignty over these islands once more.  This has been met with support from neighboring South American nations, most notably Venezuela.   Great Britain’s displeasure by this is also worthy of notice… to everyone except the current Secretary of State, that is.

Why would Hugo Chavez get involved with something like this? Why should Argentina care if Great Britain continues to occupy a pair of islands with no interest in becoming Argentine?  The answer is oil, of course.  Desire Petroleum, a British company, has recently moved a tanker from Scotland to the Falklands because they expect to cut into Argentina’s coastal crude supply.  As a fellow member of the Organization of Petroleum Exporting Countries, El Presidente stands to lose control over international oil prices.

This is all well documented internationally.  Secretary of State Hillary Clinton has been in South America visiting leaders for five days.  She should know all of this.  But it gets worse.

Hugo Chavez has decided to escalate matters by threatening the Queen of England directly.

“Look, England, how long are you going to be in Las Malvinas? Queen of England, I’m talking to you,” said Mr Chavez.  “The time for empires are over, haven’t you noticed? Return the Malvinas to the Argentine people.”  Still addressing the Queen, he went on: “The English are still threatening Argentina. Things have changed. We are no longer in 1982. If conflict breaks out, be sure Argentina will not be alone like it was back then.”

Again, Hillary Clinton must have been briefed on this.  That quote is a week old.  I don’t mean to harp on this except that she unintentionally backed one of our enemies while betraying our greatest ally.  And Great Britain knows it.

Hugo Chavez can threaten the Queen with military force because he knows where Great Britain’s troops will come from if it comes to war: Afghanistan.  Currently, there are roughly 9,500 British troops fighting alongside the United States in Afghanistan under the NATO banner.  Those soldiers will be the first ones sent south to the Falklands.  Chavez and Argentinian president Christina Kirchner know they couldn’t defeat the full might of the British military.  In Kirchner’s defense, she’s been appealling to the United Nations in the hopes of avoiding armed conflict. And in true UN fashion, they’ve decided to vote present, claiming everything from it’s international waters to Great Britain cannot be forced to sit down and negotiate.

With the exception of Ronald Reagan assisting the British with some logistics information in 1982, the United States has a consistent policy of non-involvement.  This matter has absolutely nothing to do with America.  I haven’t seen anything from the British parliament to suggest they’re planning to send troops to the region, and I’m certain madam president has the sense not to initiate conflict.  And, as always, Hugo Chavez is all sound and fury, signifying nothing.

The people of the Falklands are not calling for a change in government, and Desire Petroleum is going to drill for oil there if they find enough.  Neither of these would have an affect on the United States’ international standing except that we’ve abandoned our strongest ally for absolutely nothing at a time when we desperately need their help fighting a war that is even more unpopular in their country than ours.

If the United States is prepared to officially change positions on the Falklands, there’d better be a huge trade-off because the British will not take lightly nor soon forget the severity of this slight.  This isn’t the first time something like this has happened in the last year, either. Don’t be surprised when Great Britain starts pulling their troops out of Afghanistan sooner than expected.  Or any other countries in any other regions of the world that are watching and deciding whether the United States can be relied upon and trusted come to the dangerous decision to ‘go it alone.’  Israel, I’m looking at you.

It’s not often that I’ll praise Seth MacFarlane, the creator/writer/star of Family Guy.  Seth’s a hack who goes to the same setup and delivery again and again and again.  Seth buys into his own hype.  Seth will always pass on a popular, well-liked celebrity or public figure and attack the easy target while proclaiming himself edgy.  Enter Sarah Palin and the first thing I need to explain.  Sunday’s episode was not about Trig, her baby with downs syndrome.  Sarah Palin wasn’t even mentioned by name.  A boy is on a date with a girl who has downs syndrome and he asks about her parents. She replies her mother is the former governor of Alaska.  And that’s it.  There’s no sarcasm, satire, or social commentary of any kind.  There’s no punchline because Sarah Palin’s inevitable outrage is the punchline.  So without further adieu, Congratulations Seth MacFarlane.

Without actually watching the episode, Sarah Palin lashed out on her facebook page and took to The O’Reilly Factor to exclaim her shock and disappointment at what she thought was a cheap attack on her youngest son.  She called it a ‘kick to the gut.’  Then Seth MacFarlane sent out the actress who voiced the character with downs syndrome who-Surprise!-has downs syndrome herself to rebut Mrs. Palin’s comments.  Hello, ‘Absolute Moral Authority’ card.  The real joke in all of this is that Seth MacFarlane tricked Sarah Palin into being reprimanded by someone with downs syndrome for being oversensitive about living with downs syndrome.

The entire episode was roughly twenty-two minutes, only four of which were spent on this.  Of the four minutes involving the character in question, only about six seconds were spent laying the trap for the former governor and vice-presidential candidate.  It only took six seconds of dialogue to trick a former vice-presidential candidate into embarrassing herself nationally.  The lesson here is obvious: cooler heads prevail.  Before you react to anything, stop and get all the facts or as much information as possible.  Never take anything for granted; Sarah thought she was untouchable on this issue, and of course, she was mistaken.

In Las Vegas today, President Obama is reminding us of the old expression ‘Beware of Greeks Bearing  Gifts.’   Just as the Greek army hid inside the Trojan horse, our president is hiding something in his  overwhelming contribution to the struggling housing market in the region. One and a half billion dollars’ worth of taxpayer funds ain’t free.  Think of it as a down payment on Harry Reid’s reelection bid in November.  There are no coincidences in life, and even if there were, this wouldn’t be one.  The most recent polling from Rasmussen has the Senate’s majority leader trailing any one of four Republican opponents.  I’d like to believe the people of Nevada are smart enough to see why a man who has publicly trashed their biggest city now suddenly showers Vegas with cash, but at least the mayor sort of gets it.  This is not to say the housing market out there isn’t in shambles; I’ve personally seen entire neighborhoods abandoned on the way to Lake Mead.  But that issue could be readily solved through bank foreclosure auctions and not at the federal taxpayers’ expense.

As long as we’re talking about the president, he’s got a new health care plan in the works.  No one’s sure what’s in it, but reports say it will be ready ahead of his televised summit with Republican leaders.  The public option may yet live. If that’s the case, don’t expect an appearance from the right side of the aisle. But once again, the health care bills being talked about have a zero percent chance of passing.  Evan Bayh may be a quitter, but there are a number of congressmen and women who would like to keep their jobs. There’s also a lesson in calling a public meeting to discuss an issue and then showing up with your own secret solution.  In all fairness to the president, Republicans only agreed to this televised farce in the hopes they can trip him up and claim victory.  After all, three Republicans have been elected to high profile offices this summer, but none were reelected.  And that’s really the test, isn’t it?

And, finally, for anyone who actually believes waterboarding is torture, the current Department of Justice disagrees.  In case you haven’t seen it, even Jon Stewart thinks John Yoo, the guy who wrote the so-called ‘torture memos’ is “delightful.” I don’t have much to say about this because there was no way the DoJ could ever realistically try the CIA for torture.  All that would do is embolden our enemies by giving them free propaganda.  President Obama said as much on the campaign.  This is the same reasoning that led to this administration reconsidering the venue for Khalid Sheik Mohammed’s trial, er likely military tribunal. Also, it’s worth pointing out that all those captured top level Taliban thugs are being held by Pakistan.  I somehow doubt the Pakistanis are concerned with the welfare of such individuals.  That is actually a pretty good lesson in not getting your hands dirty.  President Obama gets to hold our country to a higher standard while allowing Pakistan to obtain vital intelligence however they see fit.

I only have a thousand words, so let’s get right to it.  If I were Jack Bauer, and he were president, the following would occur in real time.

My fellow Americans, an attack on our nation’s soil was narrowly averted by quick-thinking heroes on board flight 253 on Christmas Day.  The terrorist, now identified as Umar Farouk Abdulmutallab, was captured and interrogated for a full fifty minutes before being read his miranda rights.  Some of you will say that fifty minutes is less than sufficient time to learn everything someone in this individual’s position knows.  There’s the time it takes to feel out the suspect to see if he can be believed.  All the provided information then has to be verified, studied, and follow-up questions need to be formulated, asked, and answered before this process repeats until the interrogators are satisfied the suspect has provided all the actionable intelligence he has to provide.  Surely, there’s no way all of this can be accomplished in a mere fifty minutes, can it?  If I, Jack Bauer, spent fifty minutes interrogating every possible terror link, I’d never get anything done. For crissakes, he chemical burned his own balls.  As far as anyone at CTU is concerned, this guy practically interrogated himself.  Of course, no one at CTU, myself included, is ever held accountable for our actions the next day, and we don’t answer to an attorney general who’d rather try terrorists in civil courts than military tribunals.

More recently, however, a domestic threat to our very way of life was narrowly diverted by the timely election of the newest senator from Massachusetts, Scott Brown.  The Republican Party’s handsome companion represents the necessary forty-first vote to block the super-majority of the Democrats in the senate.  Pending bills like health care reform, cap and trade, and another stimulus package are no longer in play.  But, judicial nominees, the fate of the Guantanamo detainees, and even Time’s Man of the Year could now be up in the air.  All the recent talk of reconciliation is just a distraction.  Someone will be made to pay for the majority party’s troubles this year and soon.  Nancy Pelosi could be targeted sometime Friday afternoon.    House Majority Leader Steny Hoyer may be planning to be introduced quietly as her replacement as Speaker of the House as part of an effort to refocus on job creation, the economy, and bringing bipartisanship back to congress.  Chloe O’Brien is also available to fill in as Acting Speaker, if need be.

This speech isn’t over yet and there is one more threat to be addressed.  A bill before the senate would allow the president to nationalize college tuition.  Currently, the existing federal financial aid program makes up eighty percent of all tuition.  College tuition is out of control because the government subsidizes it.  Colleges and universities, “Big Education,” don’t care what people are willing to pay for continuing education because the United States government has promised to make up the difference between what people can afford and what Big Ed is willing to charge.  The result of this is that students end up owing thousands of dollars before they have the ability to repay their debt.  By nationalizing this process, banks are removed making parents and students directly indebted to their federal government.  Now, there is a windfall profit tax that is supposed to keep Big Ed honest, but that tax only applies to differences in interest rates.  If the cost of a semester at Harvard is twenty grand, and the interest rate on that money goes from two to three percent, the government is going to take that additional one percent of interest as a windfall profit tax.  One lousy percent of interest.  The real issue is why a school with 26 billion in untaxed endowments can keep twenty grand in taxpayer money for a single semester of school.  For the record, that would make Harvard the eighty-eighth richest nation in the world.  They’d be eighty-first if they hadn’t lost eleven billion in the market last year.

In most industries, and Big Ed is a very profitable industry, businesses offer a cash discount because they’d rather have payment up front directly from the consumer so they can reinvest it as soon as possible.  But in Big Ed’s case, universities and colleges stand to lose money by dealing directly with the consumer.  Consumers want to know what they’re getting for their money.  Banks don’t care about the purpose of the loan because they’re only interested in profiting from the rate of interest.  This administration has determined that they can turn a profit by cutting out the bank’s involvement and allowing these colleges and universities to write the loans themselves using federal tax money as collateral.  The plan is to have the government turn a profit by collecting interest on the payments.  This is where the windfall profit tax comes in: it’s only there to ensure the government turns a higher profit than the schools themselves.

Imagine the government holding a lien against your parents’ home because they cosigned your tuition.  Or that no bank will give you a mortgage because you owe so much unsecured debt to the government that the bank doesn’t want to risk a dispute over the rights to the value of the property should you default on your student loans.  If you go to college, and have kids who you help send to college, expect to be indebted to the federal government for most of your adult life.

Here’s the Secretary of Education’s op-ed in the Wall Street Journal laying out his argument for this new program.  He’s right about giving eighty-seven billion to banks over ten years.  There’s no reason for  federal tax dollars to be allocated to guarantee private institutions lending to individuals.  But when I put it that way, his alternative is to allocate however much federal money is requested by private institutions to guarantee loans made to individuals.

And just like every hour of my day, we end on a cliffhanger.

Ed Schultz is a class act.  He’s a nobody talk radio host and MSNBC anchor who popped off on his show last week that he’d vote ten times to keep Scott Brown out of office.  Scott Brown’s the Republican candidate to replace the late Ted Kennedy‘s senate seat in Massachusetts in tomorrow’s election.    Up 16 points in the absentee ballots, he’s probably going to do the unthinkable and turn one of the bluest(Democratic) seats in the US Senate red(Republican).  Absentee ballots rarely differ significantly from overall ballots cast even though their smaller numbers allow for wider margins.  If you follow the link, Brown’s showing a 16 point lead in votes cast, but only a 3-point lead in the final polls before the election.

But if he doesn’t pull the upset, health care reform is still dead.  All the talk about ping-pong and reconciliation is irrelevant.  It’s great for the ridiculous 24 hour news cycle, though.  Both houses can pass the bill and the president can even sign the thing.  It doesn’t matter because 19 states already have lawsuits prepared which will be sent to the US Supreme Court immediately and the bill will be found unconstitutional almost as fast.  If you followed the link you’ll notice there’s nothing in there specifically about lawsuits, so I’m skipping ahead a bit, but the point of the proposed and approved legislation is to challenge constitutionality and blah, blah, blah. Yeah, I’m bored too, but that’s why I skipped ahead in the first place.  Here’s the rub; the health care reform currently under discussion is filled with payoffs and special exemptions that simply are not legal.  For instance, Ben Nelson, Democrat Nebraska, struck a deal that exempts Nebraskans from the cost of expanded Medicaid payments. The federal government does not have the authority to force 49 states to pay for Nebraska’s Medicaid population.  States also have the right to alter or flat-out reject federal programs.  It’s called the Tenth Amendment.  I’d expect congressmen and senators to know that, but then I forgot they’re not to be held accountable.  Thanks for reminding me, Nancy Pelosi.

Speaking of not being accountable, if you’re thinking about donating to the Red Cross for Haitian relief, you may want to research that organization first.  They’re not exactly known for using donated funds for their stated purpose.  What happened in Haiti was terrible, that’s not being disputed.  I’m just saying that blindly donating to a relief organization that’s known to horde funds for future disasters and asks you to register with a government website is a little sketchy.  Personally, it seems a lot more likely that you are going to be spammed for future political donations than your well-intentioned and hard-earned funds will be distributed properly.

Intentions aside, it turns out America is just a bunch of opportunistic, war-mongering, occupiers.  New boss same as the old boss.  I expected this from the wonder twins in Venezuela and Iran, but et tu France?  Sacre bleu! Honestly, what’s it gonna take at this point for the world to cut us some frigging slack?  I thought Barack Obama made the world love us.  The musical about him is a big hit in Germany.

If France is capable of restoring order in a pile of rubble currently run by roving gangs and the lynch mobs who hunt them, be my guest.  Roll your frilly sleeves up and get in there, champ.  The argument is that planes carrying food and aid are being turned away by the US military, and therefore, the US military is de facto in charge of the country and also evil for denying sick and needy victims the supplies essential to their survival.  It’s right out of a James Cameron flick.  Unlike ‘Avatar,’ the real world looks like this: in Haiti, people are being slaughtered for bottles of water and scraps of food.  There’s no infrastructure, no police, no government, or unobtainium.  Good-natured volunteers with tons of valuable supplies wouldn’t get the the first crate off the chopper.  It really sucks, but before you can ship tens of millions of dollars’ worth of supplies to those in need, you must establish a safe way to provide the aid and, more importantly, sanctuary for the application of said aid.  If France cannot figure out this basic reality, then they are the dumbest, most unqualified people to run a relief effort and should just stay the hell away.  And, for the record, US marines are protecting UN relief workers while they distribute aid to what locals they can.  I really hope Mr. Cameron pays attention to our troops’ involvement in Haiti over the next few weeks so he can see for himself that they’re capable of more than the mindless slaughter of pesky natives.

And as long as I’m mentioning things that may be in contrast to opinions of directors I have zero repsect for, how’s Cuba’s health care system doing these days?  Pretty good? Oh, 24 mental health patients died of hypothermia last week?  Because the windows and doors in the facility were broken and there weren’t enough blankets to protect these people from sub 40 degree weather for several hours?  I didn’t see that in ‘Sicko.’  I’m sure Michael Moore will be posting a retraction of the film at any moment on his website.  While we’re waiting, let’s consider the possibilty that ‘mental health patient’ is another term for political prisoner.  I mean, it is Cuba.

Since it’s Martin Luther King, Jr Day, I thought I’d close with an update on his long overdue monument.  The project was approved for a site in 1999, and it’s scheduled to open next year.  On a somewhat related note, another notable monument is slightly more behind schedule.